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Like a school bake sale, some things are too vital to be left to individuals. With 2010 winding down, many people plan on making New Years resolutions—on their own. Yes, on their own. This is unthinkable, like having Lady GaGa teach chastity class.
Fortunately, upon the urgings of First Lady Michelle Obama--and using an executive order or two--Washington has compiled official New Years Resolution Guidelines. These five suggestions will have Americans planning their personal betterment using the same far-seeing, practical wisdom so often found in ethanol policy. Go with these guidelines, and watch 2011 transform into a year such as you’ve never experienced.
1. Run Up Your Credit Cards
Dream big like Goldman Sachs, California, New York, Detroit, and the Federal Reserve. Spend as if you were a Zeus-like entity without restraint or obligation to your creditors. The greater your titanic debt, the more it becomes someone else’s worry—at least for a while. Never forget that “personal responsibility” is a code phrase for “I’ll take that check.”
2. Blame the Invisible
Can’t lose weight? Blame the invisible. Smoking too heavily? The invisible twisted your arm. Spent a trillion dollars and saw unemployment rise? Again, point a finger at the unseen. In 2011, lay your vices and woes upon the translucent who for years have forced you to eat two slices of cheesecake, smoke Winstons, and follow the advice of John Maynard Keynes. Any person not actually present will do. George W. Bush or the Belgians are excellent starting points, but don’t neglect the example of the Reverend Jeremiah Wright. If you’re hankering to accuse the Jews, though, please be careful to first label them “Zionists.” Otherwise you’re practicing bigotry.
3. Construct a Great Tubby Straw Man
Nothing impresses friends, family and the Main Stream Media more than knocking apart a billowy straw man. 2011 is sure to contain certain uncomfortable moments when an absence of personal responsibility and invisible people will need assistance. Did you anger millions with bloated wasteful spending? Well, didn’t “some in Washington” want you to do nothing? Did you tell your wife you had to work late on her birthday, only to have her catch you at the bar? Well, “some at the office” forced you to drink. Note: this works better with the American people than with your wife, who might dynamically counter-punch through your straw man immediately--and not two years later.
4. Reduce Stress
Exercise is an excellent way to beat the pressure. Swim, jog, or give the Bureau of Land Management authority to set aside millions of acres of federal land for eventual conversion into a series of breathtaking golf courses. When stress strikes, hop a government helicopter and hit the links, watching troubles roll gently up to the pin for an easy tap-in. Because government golf isn’t open to everyone, why not join a gym under new Federal Right to Work-Out Laws: you can lose weight and have your membership paid for with the higher fees the gym will charge other members who aren't on the program.
5. Practice Forgetting the Internet
Every day, read a book or a magazine article or the instructions for a clock-radio. Begin to wean yourself away from the Web with its oceans of information, fast videos, and Facebook. With the adoption of Net Neutrality by the Federal Communications Commission, the Internet will soon enjoy the same caring, innovative governmental oversight as Indian reservations and inner-city housing projects. Start voluntarily, and you’ll be halfway back to the 1980s by the time the first mandatory diversity PSA fills your screen.
Happy New Year!
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